PENIS BEAKER

It's not often a real human (as opposed to a creative ad team, seeking that elusive 'viral' reaction) posts something online capable of making me spit tea over my computer screen. But SaraCrewe (possibly real name - if so, now a HUGE mistake) managed it today via the medium of Mumsnet. 

Was she postulating on reflux, how to stop a tantrum or the school admissions lottery? No, she was wondering how many other women's hubbies used a 'penis beaker' after sex as a quick and convenient way to wash themselves down. Clearly she'd hoped for an influx of responses along the lines of, 'Yeah, of course - we have a ball-bag beer mug by the side of our bed. We call it Mr. Dunky', or 'Ever since I've known my other half, he's insisted on swishing his dong in a glass of chilled water immediately after pulling out.' By now, not only must she be sorely disappointed that she and her hubby seem to be the only couple to do this, but she's probably also feeling a little red-faced due to the reaction her post has got.

I must admit, I was even more confused, because at first I thought she was talking about Beaker from the Muppets - and it would be wrong, so very wrong, to abuse him sexually by swiping at him with a spent penis (even though Beaker looks like a an orange-haired phallus himself). 

Agggh, don't do it!

Then my next thought was that she meant they used a science beaker and I started to wonder how her hubby managed to fit his flaccid member into such a narrow opening, unless he was hung like a floppy Caran d'Ache.

By the time I realised she meant a drinking vessel, her question seemed quite normal by comparison. Oh, that's a relief, I thought, so he's only dipping his shaft into a glass of water, not interfering with a Muppet. Go for it, lad. I mean, as far as post-sex rituals go, it's fairly innocent - nobody's slaughtering a goat and at least she doesn't try and eat her spouse after mating with him. All the poor man does is submerge his knob in a beaker, rather than walking ten paces to the bathroom. Hey, maybe they don't even have a bathroom, so who are we to judge?

So, I want to be the first person to say to SaraCrewe - you are not alone. Today, I went out and bought a lovely yellow beaker from Poundland and, tonight, when my husband gets home, I will instruct him on how to use it. Yes, I may well be divorced by next month but I don't want to necessarily look on the negative side, he might take to it with a smile and a dunk. After all, I like to think of myself as a 'beaker half-full' type of a girl.

Congratulations if yours reaches the bottom

I'M RICH. YET AGAIN.

Periodically someone will write to me telling me I've won hundreds of thousands of dollars. I think I am probably the luckiest person on the internet. To date, my net worth is over two billion dollars. You'd have thought I was rich enough - but good fortune has smiled on me yet again, and this time I've won the Ontario Lottery (even though I never entered it). Naturally, I wrote back quickly in case they decided to email someone else and offer them the $800,000 in exchange for their bank details ...

Dear Mr. Howard,

OMG! I received your email last night but have only just stopped shaking enough to reply. I’ve never won anything before – and believe me, I’ve tried. Lottery tickets, scratch cards, greyhound racing, slot machines – I’ve (frequently) tried the lot. I even put £300 down on the no.5 crab during a crab race in St. Lucia eight years ago. Unfortunately, he was beaten ‘by a claw’ by a rather sprightly no.8 crab. I still say drugs were involved (the winning crab just looked too ripped for it to be natural) but go prove it.

Anyway, I am beside myself with joy that the one time I haven’t actually entered a competition/placed a bet, I’ve WON! And not just a tenner on the scratchies – it’s a whopping $800,000 this time. I’ve just worked it out and that’s 509,252.74 GBP (the exchange rate isn’t as good as it could be, but I can’t complain).

I know they say you shouldn’t count your chickens until they’ve hatched, and my wife has told me to calm down and not make any plans until I have the money in my bank account – however, I do feel a small celebration is in order. I have, therefore, planned a little party for this weekend. I’ve hired a stately home and will be laying on limos for all my mates. I’m ordering in 158 crates of Pol Roger Champage and have booked One Direction to play. They’re looking in their diary and are going to get back to me – although if they can’t make it, I have heard that Jedward are free.

So, just to check – when will the money get into my bank? I’ve already gone quite overdrawn paying for the Champagne, and I believe both One Direction and Jedward require paying up-front (I suppose they don’t want to risk people dancing all night to I Want Candy and then legging it five minutes before they finish their set).

Anyway, please let me when I will be receiving my $800,000 (I’m so excited). In the meantime, here are the details you require.

Full Name: Ewan Ouzarmi

Country: United Kingdom

Country of Resident: England

Age: 48

Gender: Male

Telephone no: 0773957323

Occupation: Bank teller

THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING

Looking for a gift for that someone special in your life? Difficult isn't it. How can you convey the love, adoration and admiration you have for a friend/partner/spouse with exactly the right present? By getting them a pair of pigeon feet of course! When my friend put this up on FB, I knew (yes, knew –more than I’ve ever known anything in my life) that this is what had been missing from my gift-giving repertoire for years.

If only they'd painted his toenails, I'd have doubled my bid

What says ‘I love you mum’ on Mother’s Day more than a pair of gnarled bird feet? And not just any  old bird’s feet – they’re the tiny toes of what’s generally considered to be flying vermin, making them an extra-special keepsake.

How can you tell your other half that they mean the world to you? You could buy them a gold Rolex and a bottle of Shipwrecked 1907 Heidsieck Champagne (at £165,000 a pop. Quite literally). Or, you could present them with this money-can’t-buy pair of feel-good feet. Actually, money can buy them – the starting bid was 99p. They are described as being ‘New’ which, according to eBay, means they are a ‘brand-new, unused, unopened and undamaged item’. I think the pigeon to which they were formerly attached might have something to say about that. He would probably argue that they’d been well used, gripping many a window ledge whilst he shat profusely on members of the public down below. He’d probably also view them as now being slightly damaged – but I like to think he’d be happy that they’ve been so artfully displayed against the backdrop of beige polypropylene carpet.  

If you’re not someone who likes to buy the first pair of pigeon feet you see though, don’t worry. There’s also a pair of feral pigeon feet for sale (I'm not quite sure what makes one pigeon any more wild than the other. Maybe it’s whether he’s dead or alive when his legs are chopped off). There’s also a pair of magpie phalanges for true connoisseurs (one for sorrow, two for joy – although, in this instance, I doubt the magpie in question was that joyful when he lost his second foot).

So, now you’ve seen them, I bet you can’t wait to put in a bid and present them to someone special next birthday.  After all, nothing quite conveys your love more than two tiny, disembodied bird parts.

SUCK ON THIS

How many women have wished for a non-calorific chocolate bar? Or, better still, one where the more you eat, the thinner you get? Well great news – now you can inhale chocolate into your mouth, via Le Whif, without ingesting a single calorie!

25% off rubbish doesn't make it a good deal

It sounds too good to be true, doesn’t it? It is too good to be true. Le Whif is rubbish. The directions tell you to crack open the tiny tubes and suck away (where have I heard that before?) Apparently it puts about 40 milligrams of chocolate in your mouth, coating it with a 'non-calorific taste sensation'. You’d do better inhaling the scent of Nutella through a straw (believe me, I’ve tried). Prezzy Box is currently offering at 25% discount on Le Whif and selling it for £4.46. I suspect their generous mark down is because no sane person would spend almost a tenner to suck essence of choc-choc through a tube.

At its best, this is chocolate flavoured air. At its worse, it’s chocolate flavoured air with a hint of plastic. That’s right – when you inhale, you get a nice taste of the tube too; a bit like licking the air vent in your car. The hit of chocolate wasn’t enough to be satisfying, but sufficient enough to make me start craving a huge bar of Cadbury’s, so it was utterly counterproductive. Honestly, the master chocolatier at Lindt doesn’t have a thing to worry about. His job is safe.

If you are curious about the Le Whif experience though, here's a how-to guide, so you can make one at home:

 YOU WILL NEED: 

• A straw

• A big bar of chocolate (your choice)

• A fine grater

• A used toilet roll.

DIRECTIONS:

• Grate your big bar of chocolate into a bowl using the fine grater

  

  You can hardly tell the difference

• Twist the end of the toilet roll, sealing off the bottom of the tube

• Tip your finely grated chocolate into the toilet roll

• Insert the straw, then twist the top of the toilet roll around it and sellotape closed

• Start sucking.

FANCY A HAUNTED DOLL? IT’S A BARGAIN AT $44.99

Woooo, wooooo. That’s not the sound of a ghost, that’s just the letters ‘w’ and ‘o’ getting stuck on my keyboard. If you do want a ghost though, you can grab yourself a bargain on ebay, as top-rated seller ‘EnchantedSpells’ is currently selling one. In a doll. 

Little Annie. She loves to watch you sleep

Its unique selling point is that it’s possessed by the soul of a little girl named Annie. So if your other half is always harping on about the fact you never buy them anything romantic or thoughtful, now’s your chance. After all, who wouldn’t want to own Annie? The seller says you may wake up and find her sitting on your bed watching you sleep (allegedly this is the inspiration behind Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing’).  She’s also been spotted levitating across the bedroom and loves to sing – a bit like Susan Boyle, then. 

This priceless $44.99 heirloom has been in the seller’s family for years, and she would frequently talk to the doll when she was a child. The seller’s mum would have to cook up extra food for Annie and buy her chocolate too, so she didn’t feel left out. Yeah, we’ve all used that excuse haven’t we. Last week, I told my mum that she needed to pop into Thorntons to pick up a box of chocolates for Magic Marvin, my invisible friend.

But if dolls aren’t your thing, whaddaya know, Enchanted Spells has other haunted items for sale too. I’m 39 and I’ve never seen a ghost, but in 10 minutes of browsing ebay, I’ve become a believer. How about a Haunted Astral Time Travel ‘Lucky Number’ Spelled Pendant? 

Cher has never owned one of these

Have you ever needed to slow time down??? Or speed it up??? asks Enchanted Spells. Yes, I have wanted to speed it up – especially trawling through your array of ebay tat.

Have you ever wanted to travel through time to another dimention??? No, but I have wanted to go to another dimension. 

Have you ever wanted to go back in time? No, but Cher wants to, maybe you should contact her.

Are you ready for wealth and fame??? Hell, yes – I’d love to win a tenner on the scratch cards.

Would you like riches, money, monetary items??? Yes, all those please.

Unfortunately, Enchanted Spells doesn’t promise any of these things, she just asks you a whole bunch of questions – a bit like a first date with a wiccan. 

Anyway, I’ve decided to buy Annie, but not before I get a response to my question ...

Hi there,

I'm not keen on the name Annie. Do you think she would object if I changed her name to Katie (after Katie Price)? If I mumble, it sounds similar.

THE WEIRD WORLD OF FACEBOOK

People don’t half talk some rubbish on Facebook, and this is a theme I feel I’ll return to time and again. 

Today, Max Factor asked their followers what they’d stay up 24 hours for (I haven’t bothered to check, but this is probably some tenuous link to a lipstick that lasts for around 1440 minutes). Some of the answers were quite sensible or sweet (‘if my child was ill’ and that sort of thing). Others were just downright odd – and there’s a little run of them here (I’ve blurred their names to preserve their dignity). 

'Food': Either this woman’s been eating gruel her whole life and is willing to stay awake for the manna that is a Mars Bar, or she hasn’t cottoned onto the fact that you can open your fridge/cupboard at any time and have a snack (I’m assuming she has ready access to food and isn’t living in some Third World country, based solely on the fact that she’s on FB at 11 in the morning). She hasn’t specified what type of food either – it’s not like she’s said she’d be willing to hold out for a meal cooked by Gordon Ramsay. No, it’s just any old food that she’d stay up 24 hours for. She’s also missing a trick – because if you’re really hungry, it would actually be better to go to sleep, then just get up when the food’s ready. Or perhaps she means she’d stay awake for 24 hours in order to eat food the whole time. Honestly, she’s totally confused me.

'Long haul flight': This person needs to be told that ever since 1985 it's been legal to sleep on flights. They even give you a little pillow, a blanket and some snugly bed socks to help facilitate the process. Throw in a bit of gentle turbulence and the quiet purring of the engines, and sleep’s virtually guaranteed.

'A special thing ... not sure what though': This woman should be banned from FB. Basically, she hasn't had an idea worth contributing, yet she's wasted wall space anyway.

'Australia': The last time I asked, Australia said it didn’t require me to stay awake for it, and urged me to get a bit of shut eye. 

'To win something': Here you go – you’ve just won a bag of peanuts and a copy of the Metro.

But it's an interesting question ... what would I stay up 24 hours for? Here's for what Max Factor:

 

HOW DID THAT GET UP THERE?

Hot on the heels of yesterday’s ‘Genital Roulette’ experience, I discovered a site which makes these guys and gals seem tame. Rectal Foreign Bodies – or the Arse Site, as I like to call it – pays tribute to an array of, well, rectal foreign bodies. Or, for the layperson, everyday items that have somehow got lodged up someone’s anus. Yes, shocking I know – but it can and does happen.

Image from http://www.well.com/user/cynsa/newbutt.html

Someone might, for example, be 10 rungs up a ladder washing their windows. Their wife comes home and sets her shopping on the ground while she searches for her house keys. Suddenly, an ambulance blares past, the sound of the siren causing the person on the ladder to topple. As they do so, their trousers fall down around their ankles, exposing their bare butt cheeks (why didn't they do their laundry so they had fresh underpants to wear? Why didn't they fix the loose elastic on their waistband?) Somewhere between the pant-less person falling off the ladder and hitting the ground, a small bunch of bananas finds its way to the top of the shopping bag and one lone banana (around 10 inches in length) makes a bid for freedom. In an act of randomness that makes winning the lottery appear to have low odds, the faller’s rectum makes dramatic contact with said banana. But, instead of squashing it, the banana somehow finds its way, intact, up the faller’s sphincter. 

Nee-naw. Nee-naw. That’s the sound of the ambulance coming back to get the person with the banana stuck up their arse. They've tried to get it out by themselves but they can't, and now they need a doctor to help them.

On the Rectal Foreign Bodies site, you’ll find detailed (genuine) medical case reports of other such unfortunate 'accidents'. For example – a 39 year old married male lawyer accidentally got a bottle of perfume caught up his bum. It had accidentally got up there on previous occasions too, but he’d always managed to extract it before. This time, he couldn’t – he even tried to remove it by enlisting the help of other objects, including a back scratcher. You can't say he didn't make an effort. I imagine, by the time he presented at A&E, his anus would have appeared like the contents of a magician’s hat, as the consultant pulled a medley of items from out of its depths. Concluding with the production of a white rabbit. 

The site classifies case studies by the type of foreign object involved (along with x-ray images). Items range from foodstuffs, like carrots, cucumbers, courgettes and turnips, to things like snuff boxes, cattle rods, bottles and balloons. By the time you get to beer glass + preserving pot, and lemon + cold cream jar, the carrot actually sounds quite sensible. And then there’s something simply described as ‘toolbox’ – although, in this instance, that was found inside a convict; so desperate measures and all that. If I found myself wrongly convicted and banged up in Holloway I might, at the very least, lean towards an auto-loading multi-bit screwdriver and a monkey wrench.

Oh, and if you do visit the site, be sure to check out the concrete mix enema. Not something they recommend at the Champneys spa.