HOW DID THAT GET UP THERE?

Hot on the heels of yesterday’s ‘Genital Roulette’ experience, I discovered a site which makes these guys and gals seem tame. Rectal Foreign Bodies – or the Arse Site, as I like to call it – pays tribute to an array of, well, rectal foreign bodies. Or, for the layperson, everyday items that have somehow got lodged up someone’s anus. Yes, shocking I know – but it can and does happen.

Image from http://www.well.com/user/cynsa/newbutt.html

Someone might, for example, be 10 rungs up a ladder washing their windows. Their wife comes home and sets her shopping on the ground while she searches for her house keys. Suddenly, an ambulance blares past, the sound of the siren causing the person on the ladder to topple. As they do so, their trousers fall down around their ankles, exposing their bare butt cheeks (why didn't they do their laundry so they had fresh underpants to wear? Why didn't they fix the loose elastic on their waistband?) Somewhere between the pant-less person falling off the ladder and hitting the ground, a small bunch of bananas finds its way to the top of the shopping bag and one lone banana (around 10 inches in length) makes a bid for freedom. In an act of randomness that makes winning the lottery appear to have low odds, the faller’s rectum makes dramatic contact with said banana. But, instead of squashing it, the banana somehow finds its way, intact, up the faller’s sphincter. 

Nee-naw. Nee-naw. That’s the sound of the ambulance coming back to get the person with the banana stuck up their arse. They've tried to get it out by themselves but they can't, and now they need a doctor to help them.

On the Rectal Foreign Bodies site, you’ll find detailed (genuine) medical case reports of other such unfortunate 'accidents'. For example – a 39 year old married male lawyer accidentally got a bottle of perfume caught up his bum. It had accidentally got up there on previous occasions too, but he’d always managed to extract it before. This time, he couldn’t – he even tried to remove it by enlisting the help of other objects, including a back scratcher. You can't say he didn't make an effort. I imagine, by the time he presented at A&E, his anus would have appeared like the contents of a magician’s hat, as the consultant pulled a medley of items from out of its depths. Concluding with the production of a white rabbit. 

The site classifies case studies by the type of foreign object involved (along with x-ray images). Items range from foodstuffs, like carrots, cucumbers, courgettes and turnips, to things like snuff boxes, cattle rods, bottles and balloons. By the time you get to beer glass + preserving pot, and lemon + cold cream jar, the carrot actually sounds quite sensible. And then there’s something simply described as ‘toolbox’ – although, in this instance, that was found inside a convict; so desperate measures and all that. If I found myself wrongly convicted and banged up in Holloway I might, at the very least, lean towards an auto-loading multi-bit screwdriver and a monkey wrench.

Oh, and if you do visit the site, be sure to check out the concrete mix enema. Not something they recommend at the Champneys spa.