PENIS BEAKER

It's not often a real human (as opposed to a creative ad team, seeking that elusive 'viral' reaction) posts something online capable of making me spit tea over my computer screen. But SaraCrewe (possibly real name - if so, now a HUGE mistake) managed it today via the medium of Mumsnet. 

Was she postulating on reflux, how to stop a tantrum or the school admissions lottery? No, she was wondering how many other women's hubbies used a 'penis beaker' after sex as a quick and convenient way to wash themselves down. Clearly she'd hoped for an influx of responses along the lines of, 'Yeah, of course - we have a ball-bag beer mug by the side of our bed. We call it Mr. Dunky', or 'Ever since I've known my other half, he's insisted on swishing his dong in a glass of chilled water immediately after pulling out.' By now, not only must she be sorely disappointed that she and her hubby seem to be the only couple to do this, but she's probably also feeling a little red-faced due to the reaction her post has got.

I must admit, I was even more confused, because at first I thought she was talking about Beaker from the Muppets - and it would be wrong, so very wrong, to abuse him sexually by swiping at him with a spent penis (even though Beaker looks like a an orange-haired phallus himself). 

Agggh, don't do it!

Then my next thought was that she meant they used a science beaker and I started to wonder how her hubby managed to fit his flaccid member into such a narrow opening, unless he was hung like a floppy Caran d'Ache.

By the time I realised she meant a drinking vessel, her question seemed quite normal by comparison. Oh, that's a relief, I thought, so he's only dipping his shaft into a glass of water, not interfering with a Muppet. Go for it, lad. I mean, as far as post-sex rituals go, it's fairly innocent - nobody's slaughtering a goat and at least she doesn't try and eat her spouse after mating with him. All the poor man does is submerge his knob in a beaker, rather than walking ten paces to the bathroom. Hey, maybe they don't even have a bathroom, so who are we to judge?

So, I want to be the first person to say to SaraCrewe - you are not alone. Today, I went out and bought a lovely yellow beaker from Poundland and, tonight, when my husband gets home, I will instruct him on how to use it. Yes, I may well be divorced by next month but I don't want to necessarily look on the negative side, he might take to it with a smile and a dunk. After all, I like to think of myself as a 'beaker half-full' type of a girl.

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