SUCK ON THIS

How many women have wished for a non-calorific chocolate bar? Or, better still, one where the more you eat, the thinner you get? Well great news – now you can inhale chocolate into your mouth, via Le Whif, without ingesting a single calorie!

25% off rubbish doesn't make it a good deal

It sounds too good to be true, doesn’t it? It is too good to be true. Le Whif is rubbish. The directions tell you to crack open the tiny tubes and suck away (where have I heard that before?) Apparently it puts about 40 milligrams of chocolate in your mouth, coating it with a 'non-calorific taste sensation'. You’d do better inhaling the scent of Nutella through a straw (believe me, I’ve tried). Prezzy Box is currently offering at 25% discount on Le Whif and selling it for £4.46. I suspect their generous mark down is because no sane person would spend almost a tenner to suck essence of choc-choc through a tube.

At its best, this is chocolate flavoured air. At its worse, it’s chocolate flavoured air with a hint of plastic. That’s right – when you inhale, you get a nice taste of the tube too; a bit like licking the air vent in your car. The hit of chocolate wasn’t enough to be satisfying, but sufficient enough to make me start craving a huge bar of Cadbury’s, so it was utterly counterproductive. Honestly, the master chocolatier at Lindt doesn’t have a thing to worry about. His job is safe.

If you are curious about the Le Whif experience though, here's a how-to guide, so you can make one at home:

 YOU WILL NEED: 

• A straw

• A big bar of chocolate (your choice)

• A fine grater

• A used toilet roll.

DIRECTIONS:

• Grate your big bar of chocolate into a bowl using the fine grater

  

  You can hardly tell the difference

• Twist the end of the toilet roll, sealing off the bottom of the tube

• Tip your finely grated chocolate into the toilet roll

• Insert the straw, then twist the top of the toilet roll around it and sellotape closed

• Start sucking.

FANCY A HAUNTED DOLL? IT’S A BARGAIN AT $44.99

Woooo, wooooo. That’s not the sound of a ghost, that’s just the letters ‘w’ and ‘o’ getting stuck on my keyboard. If you do want a ghost though, you can grab yourself a bargain on ebay, as top-rated seller ‘EnchantedSpells’ is currently selling one. In a doll. 

Little Annie. She loves to watch you sleep

Its unique selling point is that it’s possessed by the soul of a little girl named Annie. So if your other half is always harping on about the fact you never buy them anything romantic or thoughtful, now’s your chance. After all, who wouldn’t want to own Annie? The seller says you may wake up and find her sitting on your bed watching you sleep (allegedly this is the inspiration behind Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing’).  She’s also been spotted levitating across the bedroom and loves to sing – a bit like Susan Boyle, then. 

This priceless $44.99 heirloom has been in the seller’s family for years, and she would frequently talk to the doll when she was a child. The seller’s mum would have to cook up extra food for Annie and buy her chocolate too, so she didn’t feel left out. Yeah, we’ve all used that excuse haven’t we. Last week, I told my mum that she needed to pop into Thorntons to pick up a box of chocolates for Magic Marvin, my invisible friend.

But if dolls aren’t your thing, whaddaya know, Enchanted Spells has other haunted items for sale too. I’m 39 and I’ve never seen a ghost, but in 10 minutes of browsing ebay, I’ve become a believer. How about a Haunted Astral Time Travel ‘Lucky Number’ Spelled Pendant? 

Cher has never owned one of these

Have you ever needed to slow time down??? Or speed it up??? asks Enchanted Spells. Yes, I have wanted to speed it up – especially trawling through your array of ebay tat.

Have you ever wanted to travel through time to another dimention??? No, but I have wanted to go to another dimension. 

Have you ever wanted to go back in time? No, but Cher wants to, maybe you should contact her.

Are you ready for wealth and fame??? Hell, yes – I’d love to win a tenner on the scratch cards.

Would you like riches, money, monetary items??? Yes, all those please.

Unfortunately, Enchanted Spells doesn’t promise any of these things, she just asks you a whole bunch of questions – a bit like a first date with a wiccan. 

Anyway, I’ve decided to buy Annie, but not before I get a response to my question ...

Hi there,

I'm not keen on the name Annie. Do you think she would object if I changed her name to Katie (after Katie Price)? If I mumble, it sounds similar.

THE WEIRD WORLD OF FACEBOOK

People don’t half talk some rubbish on Facebook, and this is a theme I feel I’ll return to time and again. 

Today, Max Factor asked their followers what they’d stay up 24 hours for (I haven’t bothered to check, but this is probably some tenuous link to a lipstick that lasts for around 1440 minutes). Some of the answers were quite sensible or sweet (‘if my child was ill’ and that sort of thing). Others were just downright odd – and there’s a little run of them here (I’ve blurred their names to preserve their dignity). 

'Food': Either this woman’s been eating gruel her whole life and is willing to stay awake for the manna that is a Mars Bar, or she hasn’t cottoned onto the fact that you can open your fridge/cupboard at any time and have a snack (I’m assuming she has ready access to food and isn’t living in some Third World country, based solely on the fact that she’s on FB at 11 in the morning). She hasn’t specified what type of food either – it’s not like she’s said she’d be willing to hold out for a meal cooked by Gordon Ramsay. No, it’s just any old food that she’d stay up 24 hours for. She’s also missing a trick – because if you’re really hungry, it would actually be better to go to sleep, then just get up when the food’s ready. Or perhaps she means she’d stay awake for 24 hours in order to eat food the whole time. Honestly, she’s totally confused me.

'Long haul flight': This person needs to be told that ever since 1985 it's been legal to sleep on flights. They even give you a little pillow, a blanket and some snugly bed socks to help facilitate the process. Throw in a bit of gentle turbulence and the quiet purring of the engines, and sleep’s virtually guaranteed.

'A special thing ... not sure what though': This woman should be banned from FB. Basically, she hasn't had an idea worth contributing, yet she's wasted wall space anyway.

'Australia': The last time I asked, Australia said it didn’t require me to stay awake for it, and urged me to get a bit of shut eye. 

'To win something': Here you go – you’ve just won a bag of peanuts and a copy of the Metro.

But it's an interesting question ... what would I stay up 24 hours for? Here's for what Max Factor:

 

HOW DID THAT GET UP THERE?

Hot on the heels of yesterday’s ‘Genital Roulette’ experience, I discovered a site which makes these guys and gals seem tame. Rectal Foreign Bodies – or the Arse Site, as I like to call it – pays tribute to an array of, well, rectal foreign bodies. Or, for the layperson, everyday items that have somehow got lodged up someone’s anus. Yes, shocking I know – but it can and does happen.

Image from http://www.well.com/user/cynsa/newbutt.html

Someone might, for example, be 10 rungs up a ladder washing their windows. Their wife comes home and sets her shopping on the ground while she searches for her house keys. Suddenly, an ambulance blares past, the sound of the siren causing the person on the ladder to topple. As they do so, their trousers fall down around their ankles, exposing their bare butt cheeks (why didn't they do their laundry so they had fresh underpants to wear? Why didn't they fix the loose elastic on their waistband?) Somewhere between the pant-less person falling off the ladder and hitting the ground, a small bunch of bananas finds its way to the top of the shopping bag and one lone banana (around 10 inches in length) makes a bid for freedom. In an act of randomness that makes winning the lottery appear to have low odds, the faller’s rectum makes dramatic contact with said banana. But, instead of squashing it, the banana somehow finds its way, intact, up the faller’s sphincter. 

Nee-naw. Nee-naw. That’s the sound of the ambulance coming back to get the person with the banana stuck up their arse. They've tried to get it out by themselves but they can't, and now they need a doctor to help them.

On the Rectal Foreign Bodies site, you’ll find detailed (genuine) medical case reports of other such unfortunate 'accidents'. For example – a 39 year old married male lawyer accidentally got a bottle of perfume caught up his bum. It had accidentally got up there on previous occasions too, but he’d always managed to extract it before. This time, he couldn’t – he even tried to remove it by enlisting the help of other objects, including a back scratcher. You can't say he didn't make an effort. I imagine, by the time he presented at A&E, his anus would have appeared like the contents of a magician’s hat, as the consultant pulled a medley of items from out of its depths. Concluding with the production of a white rabbit. 

The site classifies case studies by the type of foreign object involved (along with x-ray images). Items range from foodstuffs, like carrots, cucumbers, courgettes and turnips, to things like snuff boxes, cattle rods, bottles and balloons. By the time you get to beer glass + preserving pot, and lemon + cold cream jar, the carrot actually sounds quite sensible. And then there’s something simply described as ‘toolbox’ – although, in this instance, that was found inside a convict; so desperate measures and all that. If I found myself wrongly convicted and banged up in Holloway I might, at the very least, lean towards an auto-loading multi-bit screwdriver and a monkey wrench.

Oh, and if you do visit the site, be sure to check out the concrete mix enema. Not something they recommend at the Champneys spa.

CHAT ROULETTE ... AKA 'SHUFFLE THE GENITALS'

Since its inception, the internet has provided an unparalleled means of sharing information, resources and services. We can use it to keep in touch, keep up-to-date with world affairs, learn more about our environment and the world we live in. Or, if you’re like this bloke (on Chat Roulette), you can use it to display your balls to approximately 48 different people per minute. I had a most enjoyable conversation with him the other day, and he was a fairly quick at typing for someone who was doing it one-handed.

But what is it that makes total strangers (men and women alike), turn on their webcam, get their tits out (women – although some of the men had noticeable boobs too), get their tadgers out and wait until someone decides to interact with them? Is it exhibitionism or pure laziness? I sort of feel it’s the latter. Many of the men were surrounded by discarded beer cans, tubs of Pringles and an assortment of remote controls that indicated they probably couldn’t find their living room doors, let alone their front doors, in order to go out on the pull. The bottom line, as far as I could see (and, believe me, I saw many bottom lines) is that these people simply can’t be bothered to hunt down someone willing to have sex with them. However, they’re no longer enamoured enough with themselves to have a quick fiddle then go out and do the gardening or wash the dishes – even though most of these guys really needed to wash their dishes. No, they are plagued by that age-old philosophical conundrum: If a man has a Hilary* and there’s nobody around to see it, does he make a sound? I can attest to the fact that these blokes were generating quite a bit of noise – but clearly they needed me to perceive this in order to make it true.

Others just seemed to love their bodies and decided they were doing humanity a favour by sharing their six-packs and 10 inch penises on t'web. Still, the majority of the men had genitals that looked like they’d been involved in an accident with a can of shrinking potion and a mallet. The fact that 95% of them looked ludicrous didn’t stop them though. Then again, most men don’t struggle with the concept of nudity – after all, we’ve all seen Stringfellow in that thong. And one of my exes had a fondness for tight, shiny speedos which did nothing for his lank, pasty body – despite the fact other men had long ago twigged that only male models look good in these (and only aging Italians actually wear them)

But what of the females on the site ... well let’s just say they weren’t going to worry Elle MacPherson any. Nearly every woman I know has a minor breakdown before their summer holidays, fretting over how ‘bikini-ready’ they are. Yet here they were online, legs akimbo, happily flaunting it. Even so, the men far outnumbered the women. So perhaps this proves that genital roulette is something men are more up for than women – which explains why most of the blokes were sitting around with bored expressions, as though waiting for the number 10 bus.

But enough of this speculation, I thought – let’s ask some of these people why they’re on here. So I did – and here are some snippets from their wonderfully enlightening replies:

“Turn your webcam on and show us your tits” (man): I informed him that due to the changeable weather conditions this year, I only had two Magpies and a Finch in my garden, but I’d happily switch on my camera so he could take a look.

"Nothing better to do” (man): I suggested that crown green bowling was quite a lovely way to while away the hours, especially at this time of year.

"It’s less embarrassing in a way” (woman): That’s right you maths genius – it’s far less embarrassing to have 50 men reject your tits in under an hour than get your kit off in front of one man after you’ve dated for a while.

“I like to @@@@ whilst you watch” (man): I’m so flattered that he’d clearly been waiting all that time for me to watch. Given that I’ll be 40 soon, he must have been terribly backed up by that point.

* Hilary Swank