CHAT ROULETTE ... AKA 'SHUFFLE THE GENITALS'

Since its inception, the internet has provided an unparalleled means of sharing information, resources and services. We can use it to keep in touch, keep up-to-date with world affairs, learn more about our environment and the world we live in. Or, if you’re like this bloke (on Chat Roulette), you can use it to display your balls to approximately 48 different people per minute. I had a most enjoyable conversation with him the other day, and he was a fairly quick at typing for someone who was doing it one-handed.

But what is it that makes total strangers (men and women alike), turn on their webcam, get their tits out (women – although some of the men had noticeable boobs too), get their tadgers out and wait until someone decides to interact with them? Is it exhibitionism or pure laziness? I sort of feel it’s the latter. Many of the men were surrounded by discarded beer cans, tubs of Pringles and an assortment of remote controls that indicated they probably couldn’t find their living room doors, let alone their front doors, in order to go out on the pull. The bottom line, as far as I could see (and, believe me, I saw many bottom lines) is that these people simply can’t be bothered to hunt down someone willing to have sex with them. However, they’re no longer enamoured enough with themselves to have a quick fiddle then go out and do the gardening or wash the dishes – even though most of these guys really needed to wash their dishes. No, they are plagued by that age-old philosophical conundrum: If a man has a Hilary* and there’s nobody around to see it, does he make a sound? I can attest to the fact that these blokes were generating quite a bit of noise – but clearly they needed me to perceive this in order to make it true.

Others just seemed to love their bodies and decided they were doing humanity a favour by sharing their six-packs and 10 inch penises on t'web. Still, the majority of the men had genitals that looked like they’d been involved in an accident with a can of shrinking potion and a mallet. The fact that 95% of them looked ludicrous didn’t stop them though. Then again, most men don’t struggle with the concept of nudity – after all, we’ve all seen Stringfellow in that thong. And one of my exes had a fondness for tight, shiny speedos which did nothing for his lank, pasty body – despite the fact other men had long ago twigged that only male models look good in these (and only aging Italians actually wear them)

But what of the females on the site ... well let’s just say they weren’t going to worry Elle MacPherson any. Nearly every woman I know has a minor breakdown before their summer holidays, fretting over how ‘bikini-ready’ they are. Yet here they were online, legs akimbo, happily flaunting it. Even so, the men far outnumbered the women. So perhaps this proves that genital roulette is something men are more up for than women – which explains why most of the blokes were sitting around with bored expressions, as though waiting for the number 10 bus.

But enough of this speculation, I thought – let’s ask some of these people why they’re on here. So I did – and here are some snippets from their wonderfully enlightening replies:

“Turn your webcam on and show us your tits” (man): I informed him that due to the changeable weather conditions this year, I only had two Magpies and a Finch in my garden, but I’d happily switch on my camera so he could take a look.

"Nothing better to do” (man): I suggested that crown green bowling was quite a lovely way to while away the hours, especially at this time of year.

"It’s less embarrassing in a way” (woman): That’s right you maths genius – it’s far less embarrassing to have 50 men reject your tits in under an hour than get your kit off in front of one man after you’ve dated for a while.

“I like to @@@@ whilst you watch” (man): I’m so flattered that he’d clearly been waiting all that time for me to watch. Given that I’ll be 40 soon, he must have been terribly backed up by that point.

* Hilary Swank